And what a momentous occasion this is! I am privileged to bring you via satellite from his Florida beach front compound, a man who has conquered the airwaves in a most astounding fashion, a man who can arguably manipulate the steering currents of our political seascape, a man whose opinions on just about any subject are valued by millions of faithful listeners.
During the next hour, I hope to cover a variety of topics with my guest, who is perhaps the greatest communicator of our generation, the undisputed monarch of modern radio…Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Rush Limbaugh!"
Geraldo: Hello Rush...
Geraldo: How are things in Florida?
Geraldo: Sorry Rush, let me give you a couple seconds to clear your throat.
Geraldo: Rush, if you had to sum up your radio career in one sentence, would you say?
Geraldo: Rush, before you rocketed into the media spotlight with your radio program, and before your stint with the Kansas City Royals baseball team, what were you doing with your life?
Geraldo: At times you come across as a deeply spiritual man. You, along with your Christian Right political soulmates are often accused of blurring the line between church and state. For the record, do you believe the Lord created the world a few thousand years ago?
Geraldo: Do you attend church on Sundays?
Geraldo: OK Rush, be frank. What is your candid opinion about what you do day in and day out...What about talk radio?
Geraldo: It sounds like you're becoming disenchanted with a noble profession.
Geraldo: I find your career in radio fascinating. Over the years, you came up with a number of signature vocalisms. Can you perform one of these unique "Rushisms" for our listening audience?
Geraldo: It always sounds a bit more spirited than that!...as I recall.
Geraldo: Come on Rush, pretend you've just bested a contentious liberal caller on your radio show.
Geraldo: Rush, I understand that besides broadcasting, you have several interests at which you hope to eventually excel. Rumor has it you're an aspiring poet. Care to regale us with some of your original verse?
Geraldo: Your press agent forwarded to my staff some interesting current biographical information. It says here you are working on a series of children's fantasy books. Give me an idea of some of the fictional characters you've created in that fertile mind of yours.
Geraldo: It also says here that your wife Marta has succeeded in getting you interested in environmental issues. On what ecological battlefront will you aim the powerful EIB microphone? What key environmental project have you personally shouldered?
Geraldo: Rush, you're learning how to play golf, you're writing poetry...you're
evolving into a real renaissance man! What will you do next to prove you're a cool '90s type of guy?
Geraldo: Rush, let's turn our attention to the nation's economy. In your opinion, what is the one thing our country could do that would guarantee fiscal prosperity in the new millennium?
Geraldo: That's amazing! Which republican presidential candidate supports this position on import restrictions?
Geraldo: By the way Rush, tell us about that intriguing, out-of-this-world story...the one about you that appeared in a recent issue of the National Enquirer.
Geraldo: And..AND??
Geraldo: Get outta here! And I suppose this business about aliens leaving you a book...a cosmic bible if you will, that will guide humanity safely through the next thousand years. These aliens really left with you, this profound document from outer space?
Geraldo: So this business about you being directed by the aliens to form a new cosmic church, a new religion...Rush I must admit, for you this sounds a bit out of character. You're really getting mixed up with this stuff?
Geraldo: Rush I gotta tell ya, you are indeed a charming, and engaging personality in your own way, but let's get back to politics. In view of the Democrats apparently capturing the political center, and considering the extra baggage the Christian Right imposes on the Republicans, how would you characterize the current state of affairs within the GOP?
Geraldo: Come on Rush, say it isn't so! Millions of radio listeners turn to you for guidance every day. You helped spearhead the Republican takeover of Congress. You can't abandon your very real leadership position now. Are you distraught about your party's apparent lack of direction on meaningful issues?
Geraldo: And you can't conceive a viable strategy...a platform on which the Republicans can stand besides impeaching Bill Clinton?
Geraldo: The Democrats seemed to have cornered the market on issues voters deem important. Since the Republican revolution in 1994, how did conservatives manage to let their political momentum slip through their fingers?
Geraldo: Issues like abortion, school prayer, and guns just aren't gettin it nowadays, eh Rush?
Geraldo: Rush, you sound as if you're about to change your political stripes. What have you learned about the American voter since the recent mid-term elections?
Geraldo: The conservatives just aren't making any political headway with this constant Clinton bashing. Frankly, it's not working for the Republicans. And personally, I find this non-stop drumbeat of negativism tiresome.
Geraldo: Rush do you have even the most remote idea why a majority of the American people do not want to see Bill Clinton impeached?
Geraldo: Just a sec...Rush, my producer has just handed me a note...This is most interesting. I guess I have to ask...Is there any truth to the rumor that Newt Gingrich is shacked up in the garage apartment behind your Florida beachfront mansion?
Geraldo: Speaking of Newt, it's common knowledge that in the past, you've been at odds with the House Republican leadership. What is your current opinion of Speaker Newt Gingrich and incoming-slash-retiring Speaker Bob Livingston?
Geraldo: Gee whiz Rush, that's a pretty harsh assessment. Do these fine gentlemen a favor and mention something positive about their make up...What do they have in their hearts...Name for me the single attribute that you admire most?
Geraldo: I'm sure our listening audience is dying for me to pose this question. What has occurred in your life that set you upon this divergent path with your Republican brethren?
Geraldo: As you know, I have investigators and sources whose tentacles reach far into the conservative machinework. One of my confidants informs me you've had a less than secret crush on the First Lady for some time now. What about it Rush?
Geraldo: Better be careful Rush, I understand your wife is a jealous women that keeps a loaded derringer with her at all times.
Geraldo: I'm also told she will grab you by the gonads if she catches you stepping out of line.
Geraldo: Whoa nelly!...Sounds like a tender subject. Now what about this story I acquired from one of your old golfing buddies. He tells me you've often mentioned a recurring nightmare. Can you tell us about it Rush?
Geraldo: Speaking of golf, it says here in the National Enquirer that you recently had a tantrum at a course near your Florida residence, when you spotted comedian Jay Leno pocketing one of your wooden EIB golf tees. What say you?
Geraldo: Ha Ha, stop it Rush...you're killing me! I tell you what...It's been said you're man with a thousand voices...I know you are good, but I doubt if you can do that many...anyhow. How about doing one for us Rush, imitate someone your audience hasn't heard before. Make it a first here on CBNC. Do Dick Nixon...How 'bout it.
Geraldo: I gotta tell ya Rush, I admire a man with a sense of humor. I bet you got a lot of laughs when you dressed up as Jane Fonda for Halloween...
Geraldo: Let's get back to something on which our entire nation is reluctantly focused, the subject of impeachment. The subject of sex.
Geraldo: You don't have a problem discussing this private, deeply personal topic?
Geraldo: Rush, this program is about you. And you've been talking about sex, the President's private sex life to be specific, for months now on your radio show. Are you just a normal all-American boy...Is there anything of interest in your life you'd care to share with the audience?
Geraldo: What about phone sex. Have you ever engaged in phone sex?
Geraldo: Now hold it. Get a grip on yourself Rush...uh strike that! I can't believe your finding our exchange arousing. Are you...how can I put this...Are you, uh, in a...in a...
Geraldo: Don't do it...Don't do anything you might later regret. Why would you consider engaging in an activity...on this show, that most people would deem perverted and salacious?
Geraldo: Deadly WHAT???
Geraldo: Come on Rush, let's get serious. There's a story in yesterday's Post I'd like you to comment on. It says here that your wife Marta was seen in front of your Florida home brandishing a gun at a man identified as Bob, your ex-bodyguard. What's this all about?
Geraldo: Beefcake Bob? Why would you be excited about seeing a man Marta had dismissed from your security detail months ago?
Geraldo: See his WHAT??
Geraldo: No, for chrise sake! But according to this story in the Post, apparently Marta did! This story goes on to say your wife spotted you in your study, in a compromising position with this Bob guy while privately interviewing him for the bodyguard job. Rush, what did your horrified wife see?
Geraldo: So what enraged her so? Why did she relate this tawdry tale to the Post? No wait...What was the first thing that crossed your mind when your lovely spouse entered the study?
Geraldo: And what else did that apparently sex-crazed inner voice suggest to you?
Geraldo: What do find so attractive about these bodyguard types. As a group, why would they be of special interest to you, Rush Limbaugh?
Geraldo: Rush, one of my sources with a scanning device capable of intercepting cellular calls, recently recorded you engaging in phone sex with an unnamed person. Let's listen to a brief excerpt. Go ahead and roll...Tape C for me will ya...
Geraldo: Wasn't that a man's voice we just heard?
Geraldo: In what kind of sexual horseplay were you guys indulging, Rush?
Geraldo: You seem to be relishing this new-found sexual freedom. How can you prove this isn't just a silly joke?
Geraldo: DRUGS? Folks this is another bombshell revelation!...And you heard it first right here on CBNC! So Rush these heretofore unfounded rumors about substance abuse, specifically Prozak I ask you, there is something to this?
Geraldo: Holy mackerel! My producer never even hinted you would be this...ah...forthcoming, should I say. So let's go for it! Earlier in the interview, you made a comment about the importing of cheap underwear. Why would you feel so strongly about this?
Geraldo: Does Marta know about this?...No, no, you don't have to answer that. You don't wear women's bras or anything like that, right?
Geraldo: So what, or perhaps who initially got you interested in this...this alternative lifestyle, Rush?
Geraldo: OK Rush we're going to be losing the satellite pretty soon, so let's return to the issue that shocked this great nation, the first impeachment of a president in one hundred some-odd years. Let's discuss political partisanship. Why are you, your radio audience, and conservative Republicans in Congress so different from the majority of Americans who feel Bill Clinton is doing a fine job as President of the United States?
Geraldo: Why do you feel Americans should be guided by YOUR moral compass? Why do you consider YOUR truths to be the only correct ones?
Geraldo: Come on big guy, answer my question.
Geraldo: What single word can you think of that best describes Linda Tripp?
Geraldo: ...And what word best describes Lucianne Goldberg?
Geraldo: It was recently disclosed that Georgia Republican Congressman Bob Barr had in the past addressed a white supremacist organization. What's your take on him?
Geraldo: ...Jesse Jackson?
Geraldo: What do think about House majority whip Tom DeLay of Texas?
Geraldo: Everyone would love to hear your appraisal of independent counsel Kenneth Starr and his merry band of sex snoops...
Geraldo: And quickly 'cuz we're just about out of time, what is your opinion of House Judiciary Committee Chairman Henry Hyde?
Geraldo: ...Republican Chief Investigative Council David Schippers...?
Geraldo: Sorry Rush, I didn't quite get that eloquent assessment of Mr. Schippers. Nincom...what??
Geraldo: HA HA HA ha ha! You're a very funny man when you want to be. I'm surprised we don't hear more of "Rush, The Comedian" on your radio show! Now, what's your take on the rest of the Republicans in Congress?
Geraldo: That's your evaluation of all these honorable men?
Geraldo: On your radio show, many of your callers are often heard begging you to run for president. How do you figure you match up against the expected field of candidates in the next presidential election?
Geraldo: What was the word Republicans on the House Judiciary Committee couldn't get themselves to utter. You know what I'm talking about. With regard to the alleged perjurious statement made by Bill Clinton, what part of Monica Lewinski's anatomy was touched? What is this impeachment all about? Say the word Rush!
Geraldo: Huh? I didn't quite hear that.
Geraldo: Rush, how would you react, if right now...Monica Lewinski walked into the room in which you now sit?
Geraldo: It might be said that you're a powerful Washington insider Rush,...If Monica Lewinski came on to you as she did the President, and you deposited a so-called stain on her dress, what would be your first words?
Geraldo: Gosh Rush, we're out of time my producer tells me.
Geraldo: I can't help but think you and your EIB empire will suffer some sort of political hangover as the result of this most revealing, indeed, most genuine, from-the-heart dialogue. I'm informed the telephones here at CBNC have been ringing like crazy for the past 45 minutes...What'd ya gonna do when you wake up tomorrow and hear this interview on radio and cable TV? What's going to happen when your comrades on the Right are apprised of your colossal ideological transformation?
Geraldo: Sorry folks, unfortunately this dramatic encounter is drawing to a close. How much of this material will actually survive the editing process and make it to your home? I cannot at this time, predict the editorial generosity of my production staff, or what content may be deemed unfit for the airwaves. But it HAS been an enlightening evening, has it not?
Gotta go...God Bless!
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